![[sticky entry]](http://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/entry/sticky_entry.png){kind=small}
This is my first Dreamwidth only post. I created a DW account back in the day, 2009 my profile says, but was still very active on LJ then. I wasn't part of the fandom exodus to Tumblr per se, but I did have a social media home there for the last 8 years. Now, I think it's just a natural time to move on from Tumblr. I'm dipping my toe into DW as a quieter slower fandom home and exploring Pillowfort as a place where I can be open and creative. We'll see.
I'm making this a "sticky post" for now and public in case you find me. Please feel free to subscribe, etc!
(no subject)
Apr. 16th, 2019 02:32 pmSometimes I think about why I remain an eternally optimistic person. My mom once commented that in a world of dwindling resources and calamity that it seems almost irresponsible to have children. Other people have shared this sentiment. As a mom, I don't take offense. I understand their pessimism about our future, but I don't share it.
Today I watched a video that someone had shot on their cellphone and uploaded to Twitter of a crowd gathering around Notre Dame in Paris and singing her a song and it moved me nearly to tears. This, this right here is why I'm optimistic to my core. I firmly believe that we, as a species, have a greater capacity to love than we do to hate. Sometimes we do horrific things to ourselves and others, but at the end of the day we sing to buildings because they are hurt, we are moved by that, and we share that feeling with the world on a tool we built to share ourselves and our feelings with the world. Sometimes those feelings are complicated, sometimes they are simple. Sometimes they hurt and sometimes they heal. But at the end the day, I believe that the ethos of the world is favors love (to paraphrase MLK).
So, having children in this world? I believe that yes, we do have a moral and ethical responsibility to be stewards in this world, but I'm too optimistic to not believe that that we aren't capable of saving ourselves from ourselves and I refuse to simply give up and die about it.
Today I watched a video that someone had shot on their cellphone and uploaded to Twitter of a crowd gathering around Notre Dame in Paris and singing her a song and it moved me nearly to tears. This, this right here is why I'm optimistic to my core. I firmly believe that we, as a species, have a greater capacity to love than we do to hate. Sometimes we do horrific things to ourselves and others, but at the end of the day we sing to buildings because they are hurt, we are moved by that, and we share that feeling with the world on a tool we built to share ourselves and our feelings with the world. Sometimes those feelings are complicated, sometimes they are simple. Sometimes they hurt and sometimes they heal. But at the end the day, I believe that the ethos of the world is favors love (to paraphrase MLK).
So, having children in this world? I believe that yes, we do have a moral and ethical responsibility to be stewards in this world, but I'm too optimistic to not believe that that we aren't capable of saving ourselves from ourselves and I refuse to simply give up and die about it.
(no subject)
Apr. 8th, 2019 10:47 amI went and visited a friend this weekend and we took the opportunity to go out to a dive bar we used to frequent in our 20's. It was the exact same.
There was a dude there, late 50's, smarmy, very into his sales job. He would NOT leave us alone. I'm apparently as much of an asshole slightly drunk as I've always been. See, I go in for the complex and creative revenges that teach expensive lessons. We told him multiple times we weren't really interested in chatting with him. First, the soft no, then the slightly more firm but still redirecting no, and finally I said that I was visiting a friend and wanted to talk to her and just her and he still didn't take the no.
When he showed up yet AGAIN with his bud light in a bottle to chat I told him what he needed was a vacation. He told me he took vacations all the time because he was rich and wanted to take me on vacation. He pulled out his phone and offered to book one right then and there. All right, my dude, you asked for it. So I started laying it on thick - telling him that I could read his soul and that he needed to greet the sunrise from the top of half-dome in Yosemite. I told him he needed a spiritual reawakening to rejuvenate and recharge his soul. I went on and on about how much he was going to benefit from these changes in his life I was helping him make and I sat there and helped him book his tickets to Yosemite, make his hotel reservations, sign up for yoga, and register for a spiritual retreat at a local meditation center all with deposits. (If you know anything about hiking half-dome, that won't work either since you need to lottery for passes to access it)
All in all, we spent about 15 minutes "changing his life".
Have fun, my dude, waking up to all those confirmation emails and non-refundable deposits!
There was a dude there, late 50's, smarmy, very into his sales job. He would NOT leave us alone. I'm apparently as much of an asshole slightly drunk as I've always been. See, I go in for the complex and creative revenges that teach expensive lessons. We told him multiple times we weren't really interested in chatting with him. First, the soft no, then the slightly more firm but still redirecting no, and finally I said that I was visiting a friend and wanted to talk to her and just her and he still didn't take the no.
When he showed up yet AGAIN with his bud light in a bottle to chat I told him what he needed was a vacation. He told me he took vacations all the time because he was rich and wanted to take me on vacation. He pulled out his phone and offered to book one right then and there. All right, my dude, you asked for it. So I started laying it on thick - telling him that I could read his soul and that he needed to greet the sunrise from the top of half-dome in Yosemite. I told him he needed a spiritual reawakening to rejuvenate and recharge his soul. I went on and on about how much he was going to benefit from these changes in his life I was helping him make and I sat there and helped him book his tickets to Yosemite, make his hotel reservations, sign up for yoga, and register for a spiritual retreat at a local meditation center all with deposits. (If you know anything about hiking half-dome, that won't work either since you need to lottery for passes to access it)
All in all, we spent about 15 minutes "changing his life".
Have fun, my dude, waking up to all those confirmation emails and non-refundable deposits!
(no subject)
Mar. 19th, 2019 09:33 pmTherapy has been good for me.
It's taught me some really valuable skills on how to process my anxiety. This job stuff is stressful, but using the tools my therapist gave me I'm slowly working through it by allowing myself to process the big scary what-ifs and oh-my-gods. That's not to say I haven't been on edge, picking fights that don't need to be picked and losing my patience quicker with my wife and kids, but for the most part the worst of my anxiety has been manageable. I've been sleeping and not as checked-out as I usually am when in the midst of an anxiety spike.
We've also been working on my core beliefs. It's reared it's head again as I've explained that I hate that they are pursuing me so heavily - what if the person they THINK I am isn't anywhere close to who I actually am and I start working for them and it's terrible and I'm terrible and they HATE me and it all goes to shit?!? It might be easy to laugh, but these are deep, visceral, REAL fears that dominate my thoughts.
I think it's also helped that I've had a series of absolutely GORGEOUS rides on my horse. Not just pretty like weather stuff, but just really magical in how we've come together to work. I still jump a little too quickly to "DO IT NOW" demand and skip the first ask nicely, then tell clearly, then demand firmly. It offends him a bit, but we're both quicker about coming back from that and trying again. We have a clinic soon and I'm very excited!
It's taught me some really valuable skills on how to process my anxiety. This job stuff is stressful, but using the tools my therapist gave me I'm slowly working through it by allowing myself to process the big scary what-ifs and oh-my-gods. That's not to say I haven't been on edge, picking fights that don't need to be picked and losing my patience quicker with my wife and kids, but for the most part the worst of my anxiety has been manageable. I've been sleeping and not as checked-out as I usually am when in the midst of an anxiety spike.
We've also been working on my core beliefs. It's reared it's head again as I've explained that I hate that they are pursuing me so heavily - what if the person they THINK I am isn't anywhere close to who I actually am and I start working for them and it's terrible and I'm terrible and they HATE me and it all goes to shit?!? It might be easy to laugh, but these are deep, visceral, REAL fears that dominate my thoughts.
I think it's also helped that I've had a series of absolutely GORGEOUS rides on my horse. Not just pretty like weather stuff, but just really magical in how we've come together to work. I still jump a little too quickly to "DO IT NOW" demand and skip the first ask nicely, then tell clearly, then demand firmly. It offends him a bit, but we're both quicker about coming back from that and trying again. We have a clinic soon and I'm very excited!
(no subject)
Mar. 5th, 2019 09:40 amI have been a gigantic ball of anxiety for days.
Backstory: I'm an Analyst and my primary duties are to support a software my organization uses. I do configurations (it's a hosted solution so minimal programming necessary), but also manage reports, workflows, process design, and projects related to modules and features of the product. I have an excellent working relationship numerous people at the software company.
A job is opening up there that would be managing implementations and launches of the product for clients across North American and I was approached very informally by a person at that company I consider a friend as to whether or not I might be interested. She gave me the run down of pay and benefits and job duties and being a mom of young children also plenty of caution and realism. I hemmed and hawed for a bit, but eventually said no because about half of the difference in pay (which is not inconsiderable) would be eaten up by health insurance premiums and retirement plan savings.
Ok, I know that sounds weird, but I work for a government employer and I have an excellent benefits package and pay a VERY low percentage of my premium for coverage for my whole family. Additionally, my employer makes 100% of my retirement contribution. The value of these two things works out to more $10k a year, gross. This employer has a very average benefits and retirement plan, nothing to roll your eyes at, but also not super-great either.
I thought that'd be the end of it, but they came back to me, again, very informally, and casually said, that they didn't think my revised estimated salary needs were unreasonable and would that change anything for me. I quoted a number back to them and they said I should really think about it.
So I chatted with a friend about it and she was very wise and said something I'm going mangle here horribly. Essentially it boiled down to this: there are two opportunities here - the opportunity to get the job and the opportunity to say yes to the job. Don't confuse the two and focus on and tell stories to yourself about the second opportunity when you haven't even decided whether or not to take the first. You can say yes to the opportunity to get the job without saying yes to the second opportunity - in other words, you can always say no even after saying yes and saying yes to the first doesn't commit you to the second.
She's right. There is no guarantee they will actually be able to meet my salary needs. There's no guarantee I'll be the best candidate for the job even if I'm essentially being recruited for it. There's no guarantee they'll even offer me the job in the first place. So I said yes and asked to apply to the job. I don't know what their search process looks like, but I have a feeling the candidate pool is going to be small. I'll worry about saying yes to the second opportunity if I get it.
But that's only half the ball of anxiety. The other half is this - I'm an employee whose primary motivation is comfort and security. I find it very anxiety inducing to think of leaving the rather warm and cozy nest I've built for myself here and branch out a bit into something with slightly higher stakes. I have NO problem jumping into a deep end without even knowing where the shoreline is, but often I do so because I feel like the alternative isn't any better. I'm agonizing over even sticking my toe in at the moment because nothing is motivating me in any way to jump. I have no reason to jump, professionally.
I had a boss, years ago, tell me that my employer had no personal loyalty to me so to not have any personal loyalty to my employer. He said, don't worry, you can really like your boss and enjoy working for them and really respect them personally, but the bottom line is that personal loyalty will always come in second place. I have to remind myself that although I like my boss immensely, that won't prevent her from laying me off, changing my duties, or protecting my job at personal cost to her should I cross the wrong person in my organization.
Ultimately, I think it's time I try something new.
Backstory: I'm an Analyst and my primary duties are to support a software my organization uses. I do configurations (it's a hosted solution so minimal programming necessary), but also manage reports, workflows, process design, and projects related to modules and features of the product. I have an excellent working relationship numerous people at the software company.
A job is opening up there that would be managing implementations and launches of the product for clients across North American and I was approached very informally by a person at that company I consider a friend as to whether or not I might be interested. She gave me the run down of pay and benefits and job duties and being a mom of young children also plenty of caution and realism. I hemmed and hawed for a bit, but eventually said no because about half of the difference in pay (which is not inconsiderable) would be eaten up by health insurance premiums and retirement plan savings.
Ok, I know that sounds weird, but I work for a government employer and I have an excellent benefits package and pay a VERY low percentage of my premium for coverage for my whole family. Additionally, my employer makes 100% of my retirement contribution. The value of these two things works out to more $10k a year, gross. This employer has a very average benefits and retirement plan, nothing to roll your eyes at, but also not super-great either.
I thought that'd be the end of it, but they came back to me, again, very informally, and casually said, that they didn't think my revised estimated salary needs were unreasonable and would that change anything for me. I quoted a number back to them and they said I should really think about it.
So I chatted with a friend about it and she was very wise and said something I'm going mangle here horribly. Essentially it boiled down to this: there are two opportunities here - the opportunity to get the job and the opportunity to say yes to the job. Don't confuse the two and focus on and tell stories to yourself about the second opportunity when you haven't even decided whether or not to take the first. You can say yes to the opportunity to get the job without saying yes to the second opportunity - in other words, you can always say no even after saying yes and saying yes to the first doesn't commit you to the second.
She's right. There is no guarantee they will actually be able to meet my salary needs. There's no guarantee I'll be the best candidate for the job even if I'm essentially being recruited for it. There's no guarantee they'll even offer me the job in the first place. So I said yes and asked to apply to the job. I don't know what their search process looks like, but I have a feeling the candidate pool is going to be small. I'll worry about saying yes to the second opportunity if I get it.
But that's only half the ball of anxiety. The other half is this - I'm an employee whose primary motivation is comfort and security. I find it very anxiety inducing to think of leaving the rather warm and cozy nest I've built for myself here and branch out a bit into something with slightly higher stakes. I have NO problem jumping into a deep end without even knowing where the shoreline is, but often I do so because I feel like the alternative isn't any better. I'm agonizing over even sticking my toe in at the moment because nothing is motivating me in any way to jump. I have no reason to jump, professionally.
I had a boss, years ago, tell me that my employer had no personal loyalty to me so to not have any personal loyalty to my employer. He said, don't worry, you can really like your boss and enjoy working for them and really respect them personally, but the bottom line is that personal loyalty will always come in second place. I have to remind myself that although I like my boss immensely, that won't prevent her from laying me off, changing my duties, or protecting my job at personal cost to her should I cross the wrong person in my organization.
Ultimately, I think it's time I try something new.
Fanfic Trops
Feb. 10th, 2019 06:27 pmI'm so predictable...
1 Coffee House AU/Food Service AU
1 'They All Work In An Office' AU
1 High School/University AU
1 They Break Up (but then They Get Back Together)
1 Seemingly Unrequited Pining
1 'Falling For A Coworker/Teammate Is A Bad Idea' Except This Is Fiction So It Works Out
1 And They Were Roommates!
1 Hurt/Comfort
1 Pride and Prejudice AU
1 Friends to Lovers
Ultimate Fanfic Trope Showdown
1 Coffee House AU/Food Service AU
1 'They All Work In An Office' AU
1 High School/University AU
1 They Break Up (but then They Get Back Together)
1 Seemingly Unrequited Pining
1 'Falling For A Coworker/Teammate Is A Bad Idea' Except This Is Fiction So It Works Out
1 And They Were Roommates!
1 Hurt/Comfort
1 Pride and Prejudice AU
1 Friends to Lovers
Ultimate Fanfic Trope Showdown
(no subject)
Feb. 4th, 2019 09:34 pmI decided to do a month without added sugar and if you're going to "give up" something for an entire month, why not pick the shortest one? Am I right or am I right?
(behind a cut because it's very navel-gazey self-indulgent dribble)
( I've done this before and let me tell you - it's unreal. )
(behind a cut because it's very navel-gazey self-indulgent dribble)
( I've done this before and let me tell you - it's unreal. )
Get to know me
Jan. 23rd, 2019 08:43 amBorrowed this from ![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
maidenjedi:
-Tattoos: 7? Constellation on foot, lyric on left hip, horse head on right hip, horseshoe on wrist, alien ship doodle on left shoulder, bee on left shoulder, watercolor style horse profiles of my two horses on my right shoulder with room for more! I want a chest piece or a sleeve.
-Ever hit a deer: Nope *knocks on wood*. Other creatures, yes.
-Ridden in an ambulance: Nope. It's been heavily suggested twice, but I've refused both times making other people drive me directly to the ER.
-Sang karaoke: I can't sing. I love to sing so much. But I can't. So I usually spare my friends and family my attempts, however my friend's kid has a little Frozen branded karoke machine though and at the last play date I took it and followed T around singing Let It Go for like 30 minutes. Yes, she wanted to murder me.
-Ice skated: Yep. Last time I did so was a few years ago, but I can do crossovers, skate backwards, spin on two feet, and do little half-rotation jumps.
-Ridden a motorcycle: Yep. Even had my license for a hot second and had my own. I spent a lot of time riding on an old decommissioned Air Force base. Then I attempted to ride in regular traffic once, freaked out, and never rode again. A friend has a dirt bike I'm itching to ride - I'll ask this summer.
-Stayed in hospital: Yep. Meningitis. I was 34. By the time I was discharged I wasn't sure what hurt worse - my head from the spinal tap or my back from laying in the ER crash cart half the night and a hard hospital bed most of the next day.
-Skipped school: Absolutely.
-Last phone call : Wife. I have no idea what about.
-Last text from: Wife, discussing if we needed anything from Ikea.
-Watched someone die: Yes. My dad.
-Pepsi or coke: Coke. But I love bubbly in general so I try to satisfy the craving with La Croix
-Favorite Pie: I'm kinda in to pies. I make a lot of different ones and fairly frequently. But I'd have to say my favorite pie is one I make, my pumpkin pie. My favorite pie I purchase? There's a local bakery that does a Jewelberry pie with a crumble topping - strawberry, raspberry, cranberry.
-Favorite pizza: There's a chain around here that does seasonal pizzas that I'm always down for. Current one has pumpkin, sweet hot peppers, arugula, canadian bacon, and balsamic fig glaze on it. But consistently, it's the pie from a local place with garlic and oil base, mozzarella, spinach, italian sausage, roasted red pepper, gorgonzola, fresh basil and parmesan. I'm gluten free so I also very much enjoy a good crust.
-Favorite season: Summer here in Oregon. It's like 80, cool breeze, sunny, huge white puffy clouds, so green.
-Broken bones: Never. I've had a few injuries where the orthopedic has sighed and said, "it would've been easier if you'd just broken it"
-Received a ticket: Sure. Don't know how many. I have a lead foot, but none in the last 9 years.
-Favorite color: Green.
-Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise. Which will shock people who know me. Because I'm a night owl and it takes an act of god to get me out of bed in the morning. But I love the slow lightening of the sky then the sudden brightness and the promise of a new day. I love the way the air changes and everything wakes up. I love the colors of dawn. I love the quiet stillness of it.
maidenjedi:-Tattoos: 7? Constellation on foot, lyric on left hip, horse head on right hip, horseshoe on wrist, alien ship doodle on left shoulder, bee on left shoulder, watercolor style horse profiles of my two horses on my right shoulder with room for more! I want a chest piece or a sleeve.
-Ever hit a deer: Nope *knocks on wood*. Other creatures, yes.
-Ridden in an ambulance: Nope. It's been heavily suggested twice, but I've refused both times making other people drive me directly to the ER.
-Sang karaoke: I can't sing. I love to sing so much. But I can't. So I usually spare my friends and family my attempts, however my friend's kid has a little Frozen branded karoke machine though and at the last play date I took it and followed T around singing Let It Go for like 30 minutes. Yes, she wanted to murder me.
-Ice skated: Yep. Last time I did so was a few years ago, but I can do crossovers, skate backwards, spin on two feet, and do little half-rotation jumps.
-Ridden a motorcycle: Yep. Even had my license for a hot second and had my own. I spent a lot of time riding on an old decommissioned Air Force base. Then I attempted to ride in regular traffic once, freaked out, and never rode again. A friend has a dirt bike I'm itching to ride - I'll ask this summer.
-Stayed in hospital: Yep. Meningitis. I was 34. By the time I was discharged I wasn't sure what hurt worse - my head from the spinal tap or my back from laying in the ER crash cart half the night and a hard hospital bed most of the next day.
-Skipped school: Absolutely.
-Last phone call : Wife. I have no idea what about.
-Last text from: Wife, discussing if we needed anything from Ikea.
-Watched someone die: Yes. My dad.
-Pepsi or coke: Coke. But I love bubbly in general so I try to satisfy the craving with La Croix
-Favorite Pie: I'm kinda in to pies. I make a lot of different ones and fairly frequently. But I'd have to say my favorite pie is one I make, my pumpkin pie. My favorite pie I purchase? There's a local bakery that does a Jewelberry pie with a crumble topping - strawberry, raspberry, cranberry.
-Favorite pizza: There's a chain around here that does seasonal pizzas that I'm always down for. Current one has pumpkin, sweet hot peppers, arugula, canadian bacon, and balsamic fig glaze on it. But consistently, it's the pie from a local place with garlic and oil base, mozzarella, spinach, italian sausage, roasted red pepper, gorgonzola, fresh basil and parmesan. I'm gluten free so I also very much enjoy a good crust.
-Favorite season: Summer here in Oregon. It's like 80, cool breeze, sunny, huge white puffy clouds, so green.
-Broken bones: Never. I've had a few injuries where the orthopedic has sighed and said, "it would've been easier if you'd just broken it"
-Received a ticket: Sure. Don't know how many. I have a lead foot, but none in the last 9 years.
-Favorite color: Green.
-Sunset or sunrise: Sunrise. Which will shock people who know me. Because I'm a night owl and it takes an act of god to get me out of bed in the morning. But I love the slow lightening of the sky then the sudden brightness and the promise of a new day. I love the way the air changes and everything wakes up. I love the colors of dawn. I love the quiet stillness of it.
(no subject)
Jan. 22nd, 2019 08:47 pmI took the kids to my mom's house on the coast this weekend. It was fun.
We got in around 3pm and hung out for about an hour until the rain stopped. Then I tried to cajole everyone into a walk. After boots and jackets were on my mom and son decided it was still too rainy to go (you could see where the rain band ended to the west, it was gonna stop sprinkling in like 10 minutes!) so I took my daughter and headed down to the beach. It's about a 1/4 mile walk to a point where you can get down the bluff to the beach via public access. Daughter and I then walked the remaining mile to Nye Beach.
It had stopped raining and was really pretty out so I called my mom and told her to drive my car down to meet me at Nye Beach. It was a bad connection so she thought something terrible had befallen us so she rushed out the door without a jacket or boots! No jacket or boots for an Oregon beach in the winter?!? By then the beach was positively swarming for a Sunday afternoon in January (winter can be some of the nicest weather on the beaches in Oregon, it's not out of the ordinary to have 50 degrees and sun while it's 40 and overcast in the valleys). When she arrived I handed daughter off to her and walked another little ways down the beach with son to where the rocks were exposed due to the low tide and looked for creatures. Alas the tide wasn't low enough to see the good tide pools so we just counted barnacles and climbed on some rocks then hiked back up the path and met my mom in the parking lot.
We drove back to her place and made dinner. The kids took FOREVER to go to sleep, but daughter finally did around 9pm, right when the clouds cleared enough to see the moon. I got a sleepy but not yet asleep son out of bed and took him out to look at the lunar eclipse and to count boats on the ocean (at night with their lights, its easy to see all the crabbing boats). Then I put him back to bed.
Finally my mom and I were able to chat about what happened at Christmas. We agreed that she had made some unfair assumptions about my time and commitments with my family and what we'd be willing to do in order to spend time with each other. I said that I'd be better about reminding her that I want to be included. We also chatted about her house. We (my sister and I) can probably afford it if we can convince her husband it's a good idea. Anyway, I got this photo from my mom's living room this weekend so you can see why I love it.
We got in around 3pm and hung out for about an hour until the rain stopped. Then I tried to cajole everyone into a walk. After boots and jackets were on my mom and son decided it was still too rainy to go (you could see where the rain band ended to the west, it was gonna stop sprinkling in like 10 minutes!) so I took my daughter and headed down to the beach. It's about a 1/4 mile walk to a point where you can get down the bluff to the beach via public access. Daughter and I then walked the remaining mile to Nye Beach.
It had stopped raining and was really pretty out so I called my mom and told her to drive my car down to meet me at Nye Beach. It was a bad connection so she thought something terrible had befallen us so she rushed out the door without a jacket or boots! No jacket or boots for an Oregon beach in the winter?!? By then the beach was positively swarming for a Sunday afternoon in January (winter can be some of the nicest weather on the beaches in Oregon, it's not out of the ordinary to have 50 degrees and sun while it's 40 and overcast in the valleys). When she arrived I handed daughter off to her and walked another little ways down the beach with son to where the rocks were exposed due to the low tide and looked for creatures. Alas the tide wasn't low enough to see the good tide pools so we just counted barnacles and climbed on some rocks then hiked back up the path and met my mom in the parking lot.
We drove back to her place and made dinner. The kids took FOREVER to go to sleep, but daughter finally did around 9pm, right when the clouds cleared enough to see the moon. I got a sleepy but not yet asleep son out of bed and took him out to look at the lunar eclipse and to count boats on the ocean (at night with their lights, its easy to see all the crabbing boats). Then I put him back to bed.
Finally my mom and I were able to chat about what happened at Christmas. We agreed that she had made some unfair assumptions about my time and commitments with my family and what we'd be willing to do in order to spend time with each other. I said that I'd be better about reminding her that I want to be included. We also chatted about her house. We (my sister and I) can probably afford it if we can convince her husband it's a good idea. Anyway, I got this photo from my mom's living room this weekend so you can see why I love it.
(no subject)
Jan. 14th, 2019 09:49 amMy sister and I are going to try to figure out if we can afford to keep my mom's house.
The house is a nice family house in an active PNW coastal town a few hours from our house. We enjoy going over there with the kids on a near-monthly basis. It was remodeled about 5-10 years ago and is such a treat.
My dad built this house in the 1970's when my sister was a kid. She lived there both before and after her mom died. And when I say "my dad built" i mean he bought the plans and then he and a nephew worked every day and literally built the damn place. My parents always planned to retire there, but my dad's earlier-than-expected death means that my mom retired there by herself. Being in a small coastal town in the PNW when you're an introvert and not tied to the community is hard and with the expense of the house and all she decided she'd rather just live here in the valley and sell the place. That's the cliff's notes version.
My sister is emotionally invested in it and my family and I love having access to a "beach" house. We can't afford it if we can't have it rented full time, but are considering purchasing it and keeping it rented for 5-10 years as we figure it out. The financial risk for just T and I is higher than we'd like so my sister and her husband might join us. The house will pay for itself, but we need to figure out things like taxes, financing on a non-primary residence, property management expenses, etc. Kinda overwhelming when you think about it.
The house is a nice family house in an active PNW coastal town a few hours from our house. We enjoy going over there with the kids on a near-monthly basis. It was remodeled about 5-10 years ago and is such a treat.
My dad built this house in the 1970's when my sister was a kid. She lived there both before and after her mom died. And when I say "my dad built" i mean he bought the plans and then he and a nephew worked every day and literally built the damn place. My parents always planned to retire there, but my dad's earlier-than-expected death means that my mom retired there by herself. Being in a small coastal town in the PNW when you're an introvert and not tied to the community is hard and with the expense of the house and all she decided she'd rather just live here in the valley and sell the place. That's the cliff's notes version.
My sister is emotionally invested in it and my family and I love having access to a "beach" house. We can't afford it if we can't have it rented full time, but are considering purchasing it and keeping it rented for 5-10 years as we figure it out. The financial risk for just T and I is higher than we'd like so my sister and her husband might join us. The house will pay for itself, but we need to figure out things like taxes, financing on a non-primary residence, property management expenses, etc. Kinda overwhelming when you think about it.
Fic I’ll never write
Jan. 9th, 2019 07:17 pmAgent Peggy Carter and Mr. & Mrs. Jarvis OT3. They help her not only move on from Steve but how to balance being a competent badass who is vulnerable enough to allow herself to be loved.
(no subject)
Jan. 4th, 2019 11:34 amOur youngest is turning 2 this week. Exciting! What's not exciting is hosting a birthday for a 2 year old in a 1,100 square foot house in the winter. Last year we had 50 adults in our house over 2 hours. This year we said nope. We also decided not to spend the money on hosting something at a local event space. She's too young to care/remember and those are expensive. We have plenty of birthdays ahead of us where we'll do that, let's not start too early.
T got, well, attacked, on messenger from two friends who are hurt over not being "invited" to a party that doesn't exist. When she tried to explain she had a play date planned with a couple of other moms for that day but it wasn't a birthday party they doubled-down on her. One brought up her miscarriage and how her baby would've been the same age so it was super-exclusionary. The other brought up the fact that she had seen T out at dinner with a mutual acquaintance and that hurt her feelings a lot because SHE didn't get invited to dinner. First of all, creepy. Second of all, not everything is about you?
Two things: 1) neither of these moms are particularly close to T and I, 2) they don't have kids the same age as our 2-year old so we didn't invite them to the play date.
I feel especially bad for T because this is pushing every single one of her insecurity negative core belief inner voice. Every. Single. One.
I keep reassuring her, this isn't about her. This is their bullshit and they are putting it on her and that isn't fair and it has nothing to do with who she is as a person. I told her, she's a good friend to them, she hasn't done anything wrong, she doesn't deserve what they are doing, and that it is unfair what is happening.
But I'm livid at them.
T got, well, attacked, on messenger from two friends who are hurt over not being "invited" to a party that doesn't exist. When she tried to explain she had a play date planned with a couple of other moms for that day but it wasn't a birthday party they doubled-down on her. One brought up her miscarriage and how her baby would've been the same age so it was super-exclusionary. The other brought up the fact that she had seen T out at dinner with a mutual acquaintance and that hurt her feelings a lot because SHE didn't get invited to dinner. First of all, creepy. Second of all, not everything is about you?
Two things: 1) neither of these moms are particularly close to T and I, 2) they don't have kids the same age as our 2-year old so we didn't invite them to the play date.
I feel especially bad for T because this is pushing every single one of her insecurity negative core belief inner voice. Every. Single. One.
I keep reassuring her, this isn't about her. This is their bullshit and they are putting it on her and that isn't fair and it has nothing to do with who she is as a person. I told her, she's a good friend to them, she hasn't done anything wrong, she doesn't deserve what they are doing, and that it is unfair what is happening.
But I'm livid at them.
Fic I'll Never Write
Jan. 2nd, 2019 04:35 pmI'm thinking about doing this thing where I jot down a fic idea. I'm going to call it "fic I'll never write" because I don't have any intention of writing this fic, but I'd love to think about it.
So for the inaugural post!
Captain Wentworth marries Lousia because he gets in Too Deep by accident, she assumes they're all but engaged, she tells people, and he's too much of a gentleman to say no. This would not be a happy fic.
So for the inaugural post!
Captain Wentworth marries Lousia because he gets in Too Deep by accident, she assumes they're all but engaged, she tells people, and he's too much of a gentleman to say no. This would not be a happy fic.
(no subject)
Dec. 28th, 2018 10:13 pmI wrote my mom an email after writing that last entry and sent it last night, around midnight.
Then this afternoon we went over to do Christmas gifts with her and my siblings.
I'm 99.9% sure she hadn't seen the email yet.
T asked me how I was when we left and I just shrugged. It was about as I expected - my mom is my mom and I love her - but that doesn't really change anything. It was nice seeing my siblings, but it's awkward too? I don't see them often and we're not really close. Mostly I hear about what they're doing because I talk to my mom. So it's not like I'm being frozen out of this super tight-knit family or anything here, but still it's different than when T's family visits and they make a point of figuring out a way to see us every single day they are in town.
Out of the week to week and half that my siblings were all in town I got to see one brother for a few hours for an impromptu dinner (that my mom tried to cancel on me because she noticed a thing on our family calendar that said we were going to a party that night for the kids and I had to say, "no, we canceled the party, because we'd rather have dinner with family"), for a couple of hours this afternoon to exchange gifts, and for a dinner I'm hosting on Sunday that I insisted on doing. That's it. They all spent the rest of the holidays together and without us in any capacity.
Yeah, and we have young kids and a dog and that makes our house a bit chaotic. But we're open to alternatives!
Anyway. Like I said, it was as I expected. I enjoy being around my family so I had a nice time, but at the same time, we showed up with the kids late (the youngest slept until 3pm for her nap) we opened presents, we fed our kids some snacks, and we left. And that was about it. Like I don't want my kids to only know their cousin and aunts/uncles every other year for an hour or two to exchange gifts? Like come the fuck on. My older was so excited to go to his grandmother's because he thought it was a sleepover and was so disappointed to realize it wasn't.
But I was sad because after I got home I sent a text to my mom confirming the time for them to come over on Sunday (come over before dinner and socialize!) to eat and letting her know I'd love if people came by tomorrow to join us for a walk or something and I got a confirmation on what time they'd be over for dinner on Sunday and radio silence about Saturday.
My mom did invite me and the kids to her house on the coast in order to give T a break for a Monday that I have off and she doesn't. I might do it just to fucking do it. Tracy doesn't necessarily like it when I fuck off with the kids without her, but it'll give her a break, it's a day that I have off and she doesn't, my mom has to be on the coast for a house-related reason, and often I deal with having both kids by myself by keeping as busy as possible.
Then this afternoon we went over to do Christmas gifts with her and my siblings.
I'm 99.9% sure she hadn't seen the email yet.
T asked me how I was when we left and I just shrugged. It was about as I expected - my mom is my mom and I love her - but that doesn't really change anything. It was nice seeing my siblings, but it's awkward too? I don't see them often and we're not really close. Mostly I hear about what they're doing because I talk to my mom. So it's not like I'm being frozen out of this super tight-knit family or anything here, but still it's different than when T's family visits and they make a point of figuring out a way to see us every single day they are in town.
Out of the week to week and half that my siblings were all in town I got to see one brother for a few hours for an impromptu dinner (that my mom tried to cancel on me because she noticed a thing on our family calendar that said we were going to a party that night for the kids and I had to say, "no, we canceled the party, because we'd rather have dinner with family"), for a couple of hours this afternoon to exchange gifts, and for a dinner I'm hosting on Sunday that I insisted on doing. That's it. They all spent the rest of the holidays together and without us in any capacity.
Yeah, and we have young kids and a dog and that makes our house a bit chaotic. But we're open to alternatives!
Anyway. Like I said, it was as I expected. I enjoy being around my family so I had a nice time, but at the same time, we showed up with the kids late (the youngest slept until 3pm for her nap) we opened presents, we fed our kids some snacks, and we left. And that was about it. Like I don't want my kids to only know their cousin and aunts/uncles every other year for an hour or two to exchange gifts? Like come the fuck on. My older was so excited to go to his grandmother's because he thought it was a sleepover and was so disappointed to realize it wasn't.
But I was sad because after I got home I sent a text to my mom confirming the time for them to come over on Sunday (come over before dinner and socialize!) to eat and letting her know I'd love if people came by tomorrow to join us for a walk or something and I got a confirmation on what time they'd be over for dinner on Sunday and radio silence about Saturday.
My mom did invite me and the kids to her house on the coast in order to give T a break for a Monday that I have off and she doesn't. I might do it just to fucking do it. Tracy doesn't necessarily like it when I fuck off with the kids without her, but it'll give her a break, it's a day that I have off and she doesn't, my mom has to be on the coast for a house-related reason, and often I deal with having both kids by myself by keeping as busy as possible.
(no subject)
Dec. 27th, 2018 10:35 pmI ran 15 minutes over in my session with my therapist today. When I realized that I was over she said no worries, we were doing great work today and that it was fine.
Ugh.
It was not fine. I cried.
I am NOT a crier. Like we're talking multiple years between cries. I last cried when I was frustrated because I couldn't make my headache when I had meningits go away about six months ago. Before that? Who the fuck knows.
So I cried on Christmas Eve and I cried today in front of my therapist. It was the crying of a person who doesn't cry - the leaking of tears out of one's eyes against one's will. It was a lack of facial change, a careful modulation of voice, of taking a pause to suck down the emotion and to try to speak again without the eyes overflowing. It was losing that battle and letting them drip with just a dab of a kleenex as you tried everything to make them stop.
We talked about my relationship with my mom and of that core belief I have - I describe it as having the belief that people won't like me once they get to know me and if they like me despite knowing me it's either they haven't discovered the thing yet that will make them not like me or they need something from me and once they get it they'll go. She describes it as me feeling as if I'm unworthy of love.
Which is somehow, to me, much darker than what I described.
She asked about my dad - if he loved me unconditionally, if I ever felt not loved by him, if I ever doubted that he loved me. And I answered with an emphatic no. She got all emotional and told me that she was really happy for me that was the case. At my confusion she explained to me that she was really glad that as we worked on this belief of my mine that I'm unworthy of being loved that I had that to draw on - that experience and memory of being loved - to remember that and turn to that as I worked to reshape this belief of mine. Because ultimately, that's why I'm there, because someone remarked to me once when I explained to them how I was content with going through life merely existing because that's all I deserved that was a dark take on life and I deserved better than that.
Anyway. It was a rough session.
I told her about this journal and she was very proud of me for making it semi-public.
And when I got home I asked T if she wouldn't mind speaking to my mom about the way that she had family christmas with all my siblings who are visiting here and I wasn't invited and how upsetting that was not only for me, to not be invited to spend any time over the holidays with my own family but that in doing so they also excluded by wife and children from doing holidays with their family (aunt, uncles, cousin) as well. I don't think that was my mother's intention at all and I'm sure that when I point out to her the effect of what she did she will have a reason as to why she didn't ask us and will be quite frankly surprised at the effect of her decision because this is what she does, makes a series of assumptions and then a decision based on those assumptions and then is really surprised when I point out to her that none of her assumptions are correct and that the decision she made based on them was hurtful.
Ok, there's a lot to unpack in that paragraph above and I'm going to leave it there even though I really want to delete it and have a whole separate entry for it, but I know if I do I'll never make that separate entry so it's there just as it is and I'm gonna just walk away before this gets worse.
Ugh.
It was not fine. I cried.
I am NOT a crier. Like we're talking multiple years between cries. I last cried when I was frustrated because I couldn't make my headache when I had meningits go away about six months ago. Before that? Who the fuck knows.
So I cried on Christmas Eve and I cried today in front of my therapist. It was the crying of a person who doesn't cry - the leaking of tears out of one's eyes against one's will. It was a lack of facial change, a careful modulation of voice, of taking a pause to suck down the emotion and to try to speak again without the eyes overflowing. It was losing that battle and letting them drip with just a dab of a kleenex as you tried everything to make them stop.
We talked about my relationship with my mom and of that core belief I have - I describe it as having the belief that people won't like me once they get to know me and if they like me despite knowing me it's either they haven't discovered the thing yet that will make them not like me or they need something from me and once they get it they'll go. She describes it as me feeling as if I'm unworthy of love.
Which is somehow, to me, much darker than what I described.
She asked about my dad - if he loved me unconditionally, if I ever felt not loved by him, if I ever doubted that he loved me. And I answered with an emphatic no. She got all emotional and told me that she was really happy for me that was the case. At my confusion she explained to me that she was really glad that as we worked on this belief of my mine that I'm unworthy of being loved that I had that to draw on - that experience and memory of being loved - to remember that and turn to that as I worked to reshape this belief of mine. Because ultimately, that's why I'm there, because someone remarked to me once when I explained to them how I was content with going through life merely existing because that's all I deserved that was a dark take on life and I deserved better than that.
Anyway. It was a rough session.
I told her about this journal and she was very proud of me for making it semi-public.
And when I got home I asked T if she wouldn't mind speaking to my mom about the way that she had family christmas with all my siblings who are visiting here and I wasn't invited and how upsetting that was not only for me, to not be invited to spend any time over the holidays with my own family but that in doing so they also excluded by wife and children from doing holidays with their family (aunt, uncles, cousin) as well. I don't think that was my mother's intention at all and I'm sure that when I point out to her the effect of what she did she will have a reason as to why she didn't ask us and will be quite frankly surprised at the effect of her decision because this is what she does, makes a series of assumptions and then a decision based on those assumptions and then is really surprised when I point out to her that none of her assumptions are correct and that the decision she made based on them was hurtful.
Ok, there's a lot to unpack in that paragraph above and I'm going to leave it there even though I really want to delete it and have a whole separate entry for it, but I know if I do I'll never make that separate entry so it's there just as it is and I'm gonna just walk away before this gets worse.
(no subject)
Dec. 27th, 2018 03:37 pmHere's the problem with journaling (or at least my problem with it) - I read an entry from like 5 days ago and immediately think - oh my god, ColebaltBlue, get the fuck over yourself.
(no subject)
Dec. 23rd, 2018 10:45 pmMy feelings are hurt that my Holmestice recipient never responded to my fic I wrote them.
But also, they are not?
I mean, they could have a lot going on in their lives that affect their ability to read/comment on fic. But then I noticed that they did respond to comments on the fic that they wrote? And I was a little grumpy about that. But again, immediately told myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons to not do it so just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I spend a lot of time saying that to myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons for acting that way, get over it.
Except it has been recently brought to my attention that perhaps I do that too much. Perhaps I excuse others' poor behavior towards me. Or not so much excuse it, but accept it? As a price of being around that person. Now, don't get me wrong, I've grown weary of being mistreated in my relationships with others and walked away from them or frozen that person out entirely. So it's not like I take it all the time.
So before I get any kudos for being a kind and understanding person and not jumping to conclusions and not being an inadvertent asshole let's look at the other side of this coin here. The reverse doesn't negate what I said in the previous sentence - I want to be a kind and understanding person. I don't want to be an inadvertent asshole. But flip that over and we get the negative associated thought - I don't deserve to have someone to express gratitude for a gift I created for them if they don't feel like doing so.
So let's hold a mirror up to that thought. If a gift is created/given to you, even if you don't like the gift, should you still acknowledge and thank the person who created/gave it to you especially if it was part of a social situation where gifts were exchanged between participants? Yes? Well then if mirror ColebaltBlue does, why don't YOU deserve to at least have that person click that little kudos button as a bare minimum?
Plenty of other people liked the story - it's not as if I'm lacking accolades in any way. And I don't want to in any way cheapen those either.
So here's where I'm at. My feelings are not hurt because 1) other people liked the story, 2) other people whose opinion matters to me, 3) I don't know why my person didn't say something, 4) I don't care to find out because I'd like to live in a fantasy that it has nothing to do with me, 5) as long as I don't know I don't have one of two things confirmed (both equally bad) - they hated it or they really don't give a shit about me, and 6) it's just a fanfic.
Now here I'm going to type something I don't necessarily believe, but my therapist says that in order to re-wire this core belief of mine, I have to tell my brain what I really want it to think, not what I've trained it for years and years and years to think. So I'm going to type it because one day I may re-read this post and it may be true in that moment and I want future ColebaltBlue to see this moment and realize how far she's come.
My feelings are allowed to be hurt because basic social etiquette in a gift exchanges dictates that gifts should be acknowledged and the giver thanked and I did not receive that. The reasons behind that are irrelevant - they do not dictate whether or not my feelings are "allowed" to be hurt are not. They can simply be hurt without justification, contexulization, or rationalization.
*big sigh*
My feelings are a little bit hurt.
But also, they are not?
I mean, they could have a lot going on in their lives that affect their ability to read/comment on fic. But then I noticed that they did respond to comments on the fic that they wrote? And I was a little grumpy about that. But again, immediately told myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons to not do it so just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I spend a lot of time saying that to myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons for acting that way, get over it.
Except it has been recently brought to my attention that perhaps I do that too much. Perhaps I excuse others' poor behavior towards me. Or not so much excuse it, but accept it? As a price of being around that person. Now, don't get me wrong, I've grown weary of being mistreated in my relationships with others and walked away from them or frozen that person out entirely. So it's not like I take it all the time.
So before I get any kudos for being a kind and understanding person and not jumping to conclusions and not being an inadvertent asshole let's look at the other side of this coin here. The reverse doesn't negate what I said in the previous sentence - I want to be a kind and understanding person. I don't want to be an inadvertent asshole. But flip that over and we get the negative associated thought - I don't deserve to have someone to express gratitude for a gift I created for them if they don't feel like doing so.
So let's hold a mirror up to that thought. If a gift is created/given to you, even if you don't like the gift, should you still acknowledge and thank the person who created/gave it to you especially if it was part of a social situation where gifts were exchanged between participants? Yes? Well then if mirror ColebaltBlue does, why don't YOU deserve to at least have that person click that little kudos button as a bare minimum?
Plenty of other people liked the story - it's not as if I'm lacking accolades in any way. And I don't want to in any way cheapen those either.
So here's where I'm at. My feelings are not hurt because 1) other people liked the story, 2) other people whose opinion matters to me, 3) I don't know why my person didn't say something, 4) I don't care to find out because I'd like to live in a fantasy that it has nothing to do with me, 5) as long as I don't know I don't have one of two things confirmed (both equally bad) - they hated it or they really don't give a shit about me, and 6) it's just a fanfic.
Now here I'm going to type something I don't necessarily believe, but my therapist says that in order to re-wire this core belief of mine, I have to tell my brain what I really want it to think, not what I've trained it for years and years and years to think. So I'm going to type it because one day I may re-read this post and it may be true in that moment and I want future ColebaltBlue to see this moment and realize how far she's come.
My feelings are allowed to be hurt because basic social etiquette in a gift exchanges dictates that gifts should be acknowledged and the giver thanked and I did not receive that. The reasons behind that are irrelevant - they do not dictate whether or not my feelings are "allowed" to be hurt are not. They can simply be hurt without justification, contexulization, or rationalization.
*big sigh*
My feelings are a little bit hurt.
(no subject)
Dec. 21st, 2018 08:34 amMy therapist has been encouraging me to journal. I bought a paper journal, but it fell out of my purse in the car and has been living on the floor of my car for at least a month. It's never been written in. I've spent 2 years of therapy resisting journaling.
But I had a thought recently brought on by a discussion in a session that led me back to journaling. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want to see those things on paper or a computer screen or even spoken aloud - I believe words have power and to call them into being makes them real. So journaling, but journaling only semi-privately.
The discussion I had was this: I believe if people get to know me, they won't like me.
In order to prevent this from happening, I don't let people get to know me. I do let people see deeply into me, but only specific parts. The number of people who have seen deeply into multiple parts can be counted on one hand. "I just don't talk about myself like that with that person," is a common phrase of mine. Like a damn bursting open though, I have a feeling that attempting to change this will lead to over-share. Hence me circling back to journaling.
Dreamwidth seem like an appropriate place for this. I can make these entries semi-public as an exercise in calling myself into being via words, but I retain control over this experiment. Comment if you'd like because interaction is good and I genuinely want to know your thoughts on the things I have to say. Disagreement is welcome, or perspective, or what ever you call it. My truths aren't infallible. Or don't comment. Read, or don't read. The exercise is to simply put them out there in the universe for them to exist outside of me.
Thanks.
(entries will be public for now, I may filter in the future)
But I had a thought recently brought on by a discussion in a session that led me back to journaling. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want to see those things on paper or a computer screen or even spoken aloud - I believe words have power and to call them into being makes them real. So journaling, but journaling only semi-privately.
The discussion I had was this: I believe if people get to know me, they won't like me.
In order to prevent this from happening, I don't let people get to know me. I do let people see deeply into me, but only specific parts. The number of people who have seen deeply into multiple parts can be counted on one hand. "I just don't talk about myself like that with that person," is a common phrase of mine. Like a damn bursting open though, I have a feeling that attempting to change this will lead to over-share. Hence me circling back to journaling.
Dreamwidth seem like an appropriate place for this. I can make these entries semi-public as an exercise in calling myself into being via words, but I retain control over this experiment. Comment if you'd like because interaction is good and I genuinely want to know your thoughts on the things I have to say. Disagreement is welcome, or perspective, or what ever you call it. My truths aren't infallible. Or don't comment. Read, or don't read. The exercise is to simply put them out there in the universe for them to exist outside of me.
Thanks.
(entries will be public for now, I may filter in the future)
The Adventure of the Notorious Canary-Trainer (8342 words) by ColebaltBlue
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes/Stanley Hopkins
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, Stanley Hopkins, John Watson, Mycroft Holmes
Additional Tags: Case Fic, mature subject matter, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Summary:
Chapters: 1/1
Fandom: Sherlock Holmes & Related Fandoms, Sherlock Holmes - Arthur Conan Doyle
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Author Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Relationships: Sherlock Holmes/Stanley Hopkins
Characters: Sherlock Holmes, Stanley Hopkins, John Watson, Mycroft Holmes
Additional Tags: Case Fic, mature subject matter, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse
Summary:
In the opening of The Adventure of Black PeterWatson mentions, "In this memorable year ’95, a curious and incongruous succession of cases had engaged his attention … down to his arrest of Wilson, the notorious canary-trainer, which removed a plague-spot from the East End of London." This is the tale of that case.
