(no subject)
Dec. 23rd, 2018 10:45 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
colebaltblueMy feelings are hurt that my Holmestice recipient never responded to my fic I wrote them.
But also, they are not?
I mean, they could have a lot going on in their lives that affect their ability to read/comment on fic. But then I noticed that they did respond to comments on the fic that they wrote? And I was a little grumpy about that. But again, immediately told myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons to not do it so just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I spend a lot of time saying that to myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons for acting that way, get over it.
Except it has been recently brought to my attention that perhaps I do that too much. Perhaps I excuse others' poor behavior towards me. Or not so much excuse it, but accept it? As a price of being around that person. Now, don't get me wrong, I've grown weary of being mistreated in my relationships with others and walked away from them or frozen that person out entirely. So it's not like I take it all the time.
So before I get any kudos for being a kind and understanding person and not jumping to conclusions and not being an inadvertent asshole let's look at the other side of this coin here. The reverse doesn't negate what I said in the previous sentence - I want to be a kind and understanding person. I don't want to be an inadvertent asshole. But flip that over and we get the negative associated thought - I don't deserve to have someone to express gratitude for a gift I created for them if they don't feel like doing so.
So let's hold a mirror up to that thought. If a gift is created/given to you, even if you don't like the gift, should you still acknowledge and thank the person who created/gave it to you especially if it was part of a social situation where gifts were exchanged between participants? Yes? Well then if mirror ColebaltBlue does, why don't YOU deserve to at least have that person click that little kudos button as a bare minimum?
Plenty of other people liked the story - it's not as if I'm lacking accolades in any way. And I don't want to in any way cheapen those either.
So here's where I'm at. My feelings are not hurt because 1) other people liked the story, 2) other people whose opinion matters to me, 3) I don't know why my person didn't say something, 4) I don't care to find out because I'd like to live in a fantasy that it has nothing to do with me, 5) as long as I don't know I don't have one of two things confirmed (both equally bad) - they hated it or they really don't give a shit about me, and 6) it's just a fanfic.
Now here I'm going to type something I don't necessarily believe, but my therapist says that in order to re-wire this core belief of mine, I have to tell my brain what I really want it to think, not what I've trained it for years and years and years to think. So I'm going to type it because one day I may re-read this post and it may be true in that moment and I want future ColebaltBlue to see this moment and realize how far she's come.
My feelings are allowed to be hurt because basic social etiquette in a gift exchanges dictates that gifts should be acknowledged and the giver thanked and I did not receive that. The reasons behind that are irrelevant - they do not dictate whether or not my feelings are "allowed" to be hurt are not. They can simply be hurt without justification, contexulization, or rationalization.
*big sigh*
My feelings are a little bit hurt.
But also, they are not?
I mean, they could have a lot going on in their lives that affect their ability to read/comment on fic. But then I noticed that they did respond to comments on the fic that they wrote? And I was a little grumpy about that. But again, immediately told myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons to not do it so just give them the benefit of the doubt and move on.
I spend a lot of time saying that to myself - it's not about you, they could have a million reasons for acting that way, get over it.
Except it has been recently brought to my attention that perhaps I do that too much. Perhaps I excuse others' poor behavior towards me. Or not so much excuse it, but accept it? As a price of being around that person. Now, don't get me wrong, I've grown weary of being mistreated in my relationships with others and walked away from them or frozen that person out entirely. So it's not like I take it all the time.
So before I get any kudos for being a kind and understanding person and not jumping to conclusions and not being an inadvertent asshole let's look at the other side of this coin here. The reverse doesn't negate what I said in the previous sentence - I want to be a kind and understanding person. I don't want to be an inadvertent asshole. But flip that over and we get the negative associated thought - I don't deserve to have someone to express gratitude for a gift I created for them if they don't feel like doing so.
So let's hold a mirror up to that thought. If a gift is created/given to you, even if you don't like the gift, should you still acknowledge and thank the person who created/gave it to you especially if it was part of a social situation where gifts were exchanged between participants? Yes? Well then if mirror ColebaltBlue does, why don't YOU deserve to at least have that person click that little kudos button as a bare minimum?
Plenty of other people liked the story - it's not as if I'm lacking accolades in any way. And I don't want to in any way cheapen those either.
So here's where I'm at. My feelings are not hurt because 1) other people liked the story, 2) other people whose opinion matters to me, 3) I don't know why my person didn't say something, 4) I don't care to find out because I'd like to live in a fantasy that it has nothing to do with me, 5) as long as I don't know I don't have one of two things confirmed (both equally bad) - they hated it or they really don't give a shit about me, and 6) it's just a fanfic.
Now here I'm going to type something I don't necessarily believe, but my therapist says that in order to re-wire this core belief of mine, I have to tell my brain what I really want it to think, not what I've trained it for years and years and years to think. So I'm going to type it because one day I may re-read this post and it may be true in that moment and I want future ColebaltBlue to see this moment and realize how far she's come.
My feelings are allowed to be hurt because basic social etiquette in a gift exchanges dictates that gifts should be acknowledged and the giver thanked and I did not receive that. The reasons behind that are irrelevant - they do not dictate whether or not my feelings are "allowed" to be hurt are not. They can simply be hurt without justification, contexulization, or rationalization.
*big sigh*
My feelings are a little bit hurt.
no subject
Date: 2018-12-24 07:48 pm (UTC)Even is s/he hated the fic (impossible!) they should have at least said thankyouverymuch. Not to do so is just plain rude, especially since they've been on line.