When you educate a woman ... you educate a generation.

I have been a gigantic ball of anxiety for days.

Backstory: I'm an Analyst and my primary duties are to support a software my organization uses. I do configurations (it's a hosted solution so minimal programming necessary), but also manage reports, workflows, process design, and projects related to modules and features of the product. I have an excellent working relationship numerous people at the software company.

A job is opening up there that would be managing implementations and launches of the product for clients across North American and I was approached very informally by a person at that company I consider a friend as to whether or not I might be interested. She gave me the run down of pay and benefits and job duties and being a mom of young children also plenty of caution and realism. I hemmed and hawed for a bit, but eventually said no because about half of the difference in pay (which is not inconsiderable) would be eaten up by health insurance premiums and retirement plan savings.

Ok, I know that sounds weird, but I work for a government employer and I have an excellent benefits package and pay a VERY low percentage of my premium for coverage for my whole family. Additionally, my employer makes 100% of my retirement contribution. The value of these two things works out to more $10k a year, gross. This employer has a very average benefits and retirement plan, nothing to roll your eyes at, but also not super-great either.

I thought that'd be the end of it, but they came back to me, again, very informally, and casually said, that they didn't think my revised estimated salary needs were unreasonable and would that change anything for me. I quoted a number back to them and they said I should really think about it.

So I chatted with a friend about it and she was very wise and said something I'm going mangle here horribly. Essentially it boiled down to this: there are two opportunities here - the opportunity to get the job and the opportunity to say yes to the job. Don't confuse the two and focus on and tell stories to yourself about the second opportunity when you haven't even decided whether or not to take the first. You can say yes to the opportunity to get the job without saying yes to the second opportunity - in other words, you can always say no even after saying yes and saying yes to the first doesn't commit you to the second.

She's right. There is no guarantee they will actually be able to meet my salary needs. There's no guarantee I'll be the best candidate for the job even if I'm essentially being recruited for it. There's no guarantee they'll even offer me the job in the first place. So I said yes and asked to apply to the job. I don't know what their search process looks like, but I have a feeling the candidate pool is going to be small. I'll worry about saying yes to the second opportunity if I get it.

But that's only half the ball of anxiety. The other half is this - I'm an employee whose primary motivation is comfort and security. I find it very anxiety inducing to think of leaving the rather warm and cozy nest I've built for myself here and branch out a bit into something with slightly higher stakes. I have NO problem jumping into a deep end without even knowing where the shoreline is, but often I do so because I feel like the alternative isn't any better. I'm agonizing over even sticking my toe in at the moment because nothing is motivating me in any way to jump. I have no reason to jump, professionally.

I had a boss, years ago, tell me that my employer had no personal loyalty to me so to not have any personal loyalty to my employer. He said, don't worry, you can really like your boss and enjoy working for them and really respect them personally, but the bottom line is that personal loyalty will always come in second place. I have to remind myself that although I like my boss immensely, that won't prevent her from laying me off, changing my duties, or protecting my job at personal cost to her should I cross the wrong person in my organization.

Ultimately, I think it's time I try something new.

My therapist has been encouraging me to journal. I bought a paper journal, but it fell out of my purse in the car and has been living on the floor of my car for at least a month. It's never been written in. I've spent 2 years of therapy resisting journaling.

But I had a thought recently brought on by a discussion in a session that led me back to journaling. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts. I don't want to see those things on paper or a computer screen or even spoken aloud - I believe words have power and to call them into being makes them real. So journaling, but journaling only semi-privately.

The discussion I had was this: I believe if people get to know me, they won't like me.

In order to prevent this from happening, I don't let people get to know me. I do let people see deeply into me, but only specific parts. The number of people who have seen deeply into multiple parts can be counted on one hand. "I just don't talk about myself like that with that person," is a common phrase of mine. Like a damn bursting open though, I have a feeling that attempting to change this will lead to over-share. Hence me circling back to journaling.

Dreamwidth seem like an appropriate place for this. I can make these entries semi-public as an exercise in calling myself into being via words, but I retain control over this experiment. Comment if you'd like because interaction is good and I genuinely want to know your thoughts on the things I have to say. Disagreement is welcome, or perspective, or what ever you call it. My truths aren't infallible. Or don't comment. Read, or don't read. The exercise is to simply put them out there in the universe for them to exist outside of me.

Thanks.

(entries will be public for now, I may filter in the future)