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Jan. 4th, 2019 11:34 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
colebaltblueOur youngest is turning 2 this week. Exciting! What's not exciting is hosting a birthday for a 2 year old in a 1,100 square foot house in the winter. Last year we had 50 adults in our house over 2 hours. This year we said nope. We also decided not to spend the money on hosting something at a local event space. She's too young to care/remember and those are expensive. We have plenty of birthdays ahead of us where we'll do that, let's not start too early.
T got, well, attacked, on messenger from two friends who are hurt over not being "invited" to a party that doesn't exist. When she tried to explain she had a play date planned with a couple of other moms for that day but it wasn't a birthday party they doubled-down on her. One brought up her miscarriage and how her baby would've been the same age so it was super-exclusionary. The other brought up the fact that she had seen T out at dinner with a mutual acquaintance and that hurt her feelings a lot because SHE didn't get invited to dinner. First of all, creepy. Second of all, not everything is about you?
Two things: 1) neither of these moms are particularly close to T and I, 2) they don't have kids the same age as our 2-year old so we didn't invite them to the play date.
I feel especially bad for T because this is pushing every single one of her insecurity negative core belief inner voice. Every. Single. One.
I keep reassuring her, this isn't about her. This is their bullshit and they are putting it on her and that isn't fair and it has nothing to do with who she is as a person. I told her, she's a good friend to them, she hasn't done anything wrong, she doesn't deserve what they are doing, and that it is unfair what is happening.
But I'm livid at them.
T got, well, attacked, on messenger from two friends who are hurt over not being "invited" to a party that doesn't exist. When she tried to explain she had a play date planned with a couple of other moms for that day but it wasn't a birthday party they doubled-down on her. One brought up her miscarriage and how her baby would've been the same age so it was super-exclusionary. The other brought up the fact that she had seen T out at dinner with a mutual acquaintance and that hurt her feelings a lot because SHE didn't get invited to dinner. First of all, creepy. Second of all, not everything is about you?
Two things: 1) neither of these moms are particularly close to T and I, 2) they don't have kids the same age as our 2-year old so we didn't invite them to the play date.
I feel especially bad for T because this is pushing every single one of her insecurity negative core belief inner voice. Every. Single. One.
I keep reassuring her, this isn't about her. This is their bullshit and they are putting it on her and that isn't fair and it has nothing to do with who she is as a person. I told her, she's a good friend to them, she hasn't done anything wrong, she doesn't deserve what they are doing, and that it is unfair what is happening.
But I'm livid at them.
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Date: 2019-01-07 03:22 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2019-01-07 09:41 pm (UTC)So T hashed it out this weekend with one of them. She had made some assumptions that weren't true and she's also got a personality that just burns hot and then gets over it. She apologized for what happened and also the fact that she let it get out of control on messenger instead of just having a private conversation with T about it.
The other person? Whooooboy. Look, I do NOT want to knock anyone who is working hard in therapy to address some of their underlying issues, but she's in this place where she just makes assumptions, acts on those assumptions as if they were truths, doubles-down if told what she assumed to be true isn't, explodes the friendship, then turns around and says she doesn't understand why all of her friendships end and no one likes her. The problem is - people like her! She's funny, and generous, and kind, and smart, and passionate, etc.
But she operates from this place where she believes people actively dislike her. Like clearly we are throwing this huge party and making a specific point not to include her and this is part of a much larger effort on our part to never include her in anything and that hurts her feelings and we should feel bad. So T was like, I hardly do anything with anyone ever? And she's like, but I see you do things so clearly that is untrue. And it's like what do you do with that? What do you do with someone who creates entire alternate realities in their head about you and then gets mad at you about things you did in this alternate reality?
Anyway, I decided years ago that I was always going to keep her at arm's length because one time in a group text T expressed some minor annoyance at something I did or didn't do and she sent this long thing about how it's unfair women are saddled with unhelpful partners and how people must be awful people if they do that and how she needs to speak really sternly with me about not ever doing those kinds of things again and that's how people lose families. And I was like whattheactualwholefuckishappening? And after a big ol' you don't know me, you don't know my relationship, and you certainly have no right to extrapolate my qualities as a spouse, partner, parent, etc. based on a single statement via a group text message and then comment on them internal rant I decided that we were never going to be close friends.
Which is unfortunate, because as I said before, she's funny, generous, kind, smart, passionate, etc. and I kinda like her.
So anyway, that was my Sunday night. You know, typical.
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Date: 2019-01-07 09:42 pm (UTC)I very much appreciate your validation. A+
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Date: 2019-01-08 01:17 pm (UTC)